Everybody wants a slice of the pie. Pumpkin pie, that is. It is tasty and seasonal. Pumpkin pie is well worth fighting for. Just ask some of the customers at Costco.
Mumbai had its terrorists. Wal-Mart has its trampled workers. Costco has its pumpkin pie. While the world recoils at the horrible slaughter in the Indian City, or the poor guy who was run over at 5 A.M. by a brutally zealous Long Island crowd, Costco shoppers kicked off the holiday season by shoving each other out of the way in quest of the great seasonal dessert. I mean, if you can’t find your pumpkin pie at Costco, where else can you find it?
This, of course, to the saner among us is a rhetorical question. Pumpkin pie is everywhere this time of year. Albeit it, is is neither as large a pie as those served up at Costco, nor is it as cost-effective. Costco pumpkin pies are big and relatively inexpensive. When you are watching your bucks, it’s a good place to pick up three or four for the Thanksgiving dinner at a very good price. It’s not worth the risk of getting hurt for it. Not offended, but physically hurt.
There was a battle for the pumpkin pies. For dozens, it was a principle worth fighting for. They needed dessert and they were going to get it no matter who got in their way. Old women, small children, the nerdy, the needy, doesn’t matter. Keep you hands off my pumpkin pie.
You see,the Costco bakery ovens can handle a mere sixty pies an hour. That is going full tilt. This of course is usually more than sufficient. But come the holiday season when the craving comes for pumpkin pie, things are very, very different. When you have hundreds of customers standing around waiting until the next round of pies come out of the oven. And when there aren’t enough to go around, the flimsy veneer slides off the patina of civilization, and the battle is on.
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In this case, I expect some attorney will claim Costco was negligent by using bakery ovens that could only turn out sixty pies an hour. And when the Costco workers, attempting to be fair, tried to limit one pie to every party, this poor excuse sharing the wealth elevated mere negligence to cruelty and deprivation. Human rights were violated.
Human rights? Don’t laugh. Family values were violated. Every family member needs at least a couple, few slices. Piece of the pie! Isn’t that what America is all about? Otherwise, what will do with all that extra whipped cream? Because any fool knows you can’t eat the whipped cream without the pumpkin pie. You can’t have your turkey without the expectation of pumpkin pie. Lack of pumpkin pie could result in serious disillusionment and a grievous sense of loss.
Sharing was not an option. Customers elbowed and shoved each other out of the way. A melee broke out in the bakery section. People weren’t getting their pumpkin pie. And those that did, were only allowed to buy one instead of the four they were planning to have for that special Thanksgiving dinner.
I am not one to mince words about the assault on the quality of life and the decline of manners and etiquette. And certainly there are things to be said for our national obesity and smaller portions of everything would best promote the general well being. A trip through Costco should tell you that. Double wides in every aisle. Double wide shuffling through in somnambulistic stupor. Until you take away their pumpkin pie. Then they come to life.
We have heard candidates and pundits talk about the quality of life and the need to make adjustments. For the sake of our country, they say, we need to sacrifice. We have to learn to do without, and we have to think more about our neighbors. So come election night we hold hands and look to the future. We are promised change. Or not. But what we didn’t get was pumpkin pie.
